An Empath is a person who can psychically tune in to the emotional experience of a person, place or animal. In the paranormal and in some works of science fiction and fantasy, highly developed empathy is a psychic ability to sense the emotions of others and often highly aware of the health and state of mind of their loved ones, no matter how physically near or far away the individuals may be. (empathguide.com)
I’ve been an empath for as long as I can remember. I always put myself into other people’s shoes and had the ability to feel how and what they are feeling. Sometimes I think I felt it too much. I catch myself holding back for fear of hurting another person’s feelings or attempting to stop something from happening because I don’t want anyone else to feel hurt or sad. I would help anyone I could if they asked and I had a very difficult time saying no. I never wanted to offend or upset anyone so if someone asked me for a favor, I obliged 99% of the time. I attempted to see the good in everyone and I trust people for who they were. “Oh, so and so wouldn’t do that. They wouldn’t say something like that, no!” only to eventually realize what monsters are hiding underneath a person’s friendly personality. An empath is a narcissist’s biggest and best target. We fall easily for their love bombing, their sad stories, and their lies; we put ourselves in their shoes and have great empathy for the trauma they have supposedly endured. It can be difficult for us to believe that they would do anything to hurt us.
BEFORE GOING ANY FURTHER This is part II of my story, please start here from the very beginning!
The day that Robert proposed to me was one of the happiest days of my life but I knew one person wouldn’t be happy; my mother. My mother and I have always been close, as close as best friends could be. She didn’t like Robert. She didn’t like how cocky and all knowing he always was. I remember many times when we would all go out to dinner and they would get into a heated argument because no matter what the subject was, Robert was always the expert and if you didn’t agree with him, he would become angry and he made sure to always have the last word regardless of what the conversation was about..
When I told my mother that we were engaged, she cried. These were not happy tears; she didn’t like the person he was. She didn’t like his personality and the fact that he was having a difficult time keeping a job. She was worried about our future. Eventually, she accepted it, she knew that I loved him and she saw how loving he was to me, and she also knew it was pointless to try to stop it. I was a grown adult and was able to make my own decisions.
Robert is a big guy, covered with tattoos. I mean, covered. Neck, arms, hands, legs..etc.. I was nervous about introducing him to my 90 year old grandmother because she was very old fashioned and thought tattoos were the devil. He knew that I was nervous about her meeting him and told me that I was the only person he would ever consider covering up his tattoos for. He dressed nicely with long sleeves, and poured on the charm to win my grandmother over. I was over the moon happy that she was accepting of him and how respectful and kind he was to her. I really believed that this was meant to be.
From the beginning, Robert had told me that he had never loved another woman until me. He had dated, lots, but he never said the “L” word to anyone and he never ever wanted to get married but now that he found me, the woman of his dreams, marriage and a family is all that he wanted.
I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.
That Thanksgiving, Robert and I went to his sister’s house so that I could meet her and her family. She had two teenage sons that he was pretty close to. I was nervous but excited to meet them. After the introductions were done and we sat down to chit chat, Robert announced to them that we were engaged and he showed them my ring. I will never forget his sister’s response,
“Are you SURE this time??”
I heard it. It bothered me but I tried to just blow it off and not dwell on it too much. Whatever happened in his past, is his past, and I am part of his future.
A few weeks later, I was Christmas shopping with his sister and while talking about her oldest son, she said, “He’s just like his uncle, always hopping from girl, to girl, to girl”.
Approximately 4 months after becoming engaged, I was pregnant. Even though I was an adult, I was still terrified to tell my mother and my grandmother because we were not married and he did not have a steady income. I bought a card for my mother congratulating her on becoming a grandparent, with a long handwritten note in it explaining how happy I was to be having a baby and that this baby was going to bring us closer as a family. I told her not to worry about money because Robert was going to get a good job, his family was going to help out as much as they could and everything that was needed for the baby would be taken care of.
I always wanted to be a mother and my dream was finally coming true. I had a little human being growing inside of me that was part of me and part of the man of my dreams. Robert showered me with love, affection, and compliments. Everything just seemed to be falling into place, and he had me exactly where he wanted me.
Our first Christmas together, I was excited to buy him gifts. I have always loved giving gifts to people I care about because it always made me feel good. He opened the gifts and had tears in his eyes. He said that no one had ever cared enough to buy him gifts like that.
While making Christmas cookies that year, he talked about how he had never made Christmas cookies before or hung up Christmas lights because his mother never bothered to do any of those things with him as a child. This broke my heart knowing that he had never done these simple things that most of us take for granted, and how horrible of a childhood he must have had.
Robert’s cousin was in prison at the time. He and his cousin were very close, they grew up together and were best friends. Without going into too many details, his cousin was in prison for 7 years and the story I got was that his cousin took the rap for something they both had done. Robert felt so guilty about it and he owed his cousin his life, was what he said.
He and his cousin wrote letters back and forth pretty regularly for awhile. One day, I ran upstairs to get something and I saw a letter that Robert had written to his cousin in an unsealed envelope. My curiosity got the best of me. It wasn’t that I was suspicious of anything at the time, I was just curious as to what kinds of things they were talking about in their letters.
“She’s pregnant and I’m stuck like Chuck now, so I have to marry her”.
He then went on to talk about how much he disliked my “fat, stinky, bitch mom”. I just lost it. I was so shocked, how or why would he say those things? He is STUCK with me because I’m pregnant, even though we were trying to get pregnant?? Talking horribly about my own mother who has never done anything wrong to him or me?
Once I confronted him about the letter and he saw the tears, he immediately apologized and said it was just him trying to ‘talk tough’ with his cousin and that was just how they were. He never meant those things and he just loves me soooo much. He ripped the letter up and wrote him a new one, letting me read it before he put it in the mailbox.
For a brief time, we stayed with his mother so that he could work for his brother in law. He had to pay child support a specific amount of money by a certain date to avoid jail time for not paying. His mother is very.. vocal. She yells a lot, which is something I am not used to, and we wound up only staying there for a week or so because it was stressing me out that she was always yelling at him. While we were staying at her house and he was at work, I was looking through some old photo albums in his mom’s living room. I found one from when he was younger throughout his teenage years. I came across some photos of his ex girlfriend, his son’s mother in fact. She was very young. On the back of the photo was some writing, in his handwriting he had written her name with his last name, saying that he couldn’t wait to be married. I found another photo of his daughter’s mom, showing off a ring on her ring finger, where his mother had written the word, “engaged?” on the front (it was an old polaroid photo).
Never thought about getting married, huh? I confronted him about the photos. He denied that they ever spoke about getting married and that the handwriting on the photos were not his, they were the girl’s - obviously I knew his handwriting well enough to know that was not the truth but I just let it go, feeling that it wasn’t worth arguing about.
Not long after that, on my birthday actually (a year after this story began), Robert was heading to work (another new job) and was pulled over and arrested. It was nothing serious and he only spent a weekend in jail. He had some boxes of things at my house and he needed me to find something out of it, a phone number or something. I honestly don’t remember what it was since it was so long ago. He had cleaned out his car recently and had just stuffed everything into a box, hoping to eventually get rid of the car. I was searching through the junk and found a couple of letters he had written to his ex girlfriend, the one prior to me. In the letter, he was apologizing to her, telling her how much he loved her and wanted them to be together forever.
Never told anyone he loved them before.. Right?......
So many red flags in such a small amount of time. I should have known better but these red flags were just the beginning. I had no idea what kind of sociopathic narcissistic monster I was marrying.
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