In a post I wrote a few months ago Coming To Terms With My Anxiety, I talked about how I have come to terms with having anxiety after living my life thinking I was just shy and insecure. As I'm living my life with this realization, I've started to really take note of how anxiety affects me throughout life.
A few weeks ago, one of my best co-worker friends and I were playing around. She's overly sensitive and got upset with me about something very trivial that was an accident. Right away, I began beating myself up thinking, “you are so stupid, why do you always have to fuck everything up?”. I instantly felt nervous and on edge after that. She was fine the next day, by the way. I just can't handle any type of conflict or drama. If I am really, really angry I can flip off at the mouth but it takes a whole lot to get me to that point. Other than that though, I can't handle being yelled at, I can't handle any type of confrontation or argument. When a situation turns into an argument, I get shaky, nervous, and feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I have no idea why I am like that. I was never traumatized as a child and don't recognize any reasons why I would be this way. I typically get along with most people for this reason because I always try my best not to step on anyone's toes. Maybe this is why I have let so many people walk all over me? I just give in to people instead of arguing because I don't want to deal with the drama.
I also don't like talking on the phone if I don't have to. I have to talk on the phone for my job. I try to be very professional and polite but I am very uncomfortable and often times trip over words. I am also famous for saying, “umm” every other word some times. I always try to keep my cool but if I happen to say the wrong thing or mess up my words, I beat myself up about it and ponder on it for awhile. I also feel like I'm not good with talking to strangers. I get tongue tied and am constantly worried about saying or doing something stupid. I was super shy for the majority of my life to the point of not talking to anyone unless they talked to me first.
I feel like anxiety is keeping me from moving further in life. It's holding me back from trying new things. I am currently on the look out for a better job because I feel like my current job is a dead end. I love my job but feel like I am never going to get anywhere where I am at. I'm realizing that in order to get ahead anywhere in live, I am going to have to step out of my comfort zone which can be extremely difficult for me. I read through job postings and I won't apply for a job because I think that it is something I can't handle, even though I probably very well could. It's taking that step to try something new and see what I am truly capable of that is so difficult for me to do. I need to stop settling for less because I'm too scared to try for more.
I understand that my anxiety is not as severe as some people's. It doesn't stop me from living my life but it does inhibit me from trying a lot of new things or really putting myself out there. Even in the dating world, if I talk to someone and get to the point of meeting, my anxiety kicks in thinking that I am not god enough, he won't like me, what if he runs when he sees me? A million and one scenarios run through my head when in reality, none of those things have ever happened. The old me would have made up excuses not to meet but I have forced myself to step out of what is comfortable for me. I am realizing now that my anxiety may have caused me to miss out on a lot of great things in the past. Pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone can prove to be very difficult to do. You may have to consciously tell yourself to just do it and ignore those negative voices in the back of your head that are telling you that you can't or shouldn't do it.
How does anxiety affect your life? Has it held you back? How do you push past it? Tell us in the comments.