This was not the post I intended to write this weekend but some times life gives you experiences that make you feel like you need to share it with the world. I talk a lot about depression and anxiety and how much it affects me in various aspects of my life. The effects of anxiety and depression can be indescribable at times and it can take the tiniest thing to set them off.
A few days ago, I posted a photo on my personal Facebook page. Out of my 300+ friends, one person got bent out of shape about it and made a snarky comment about my (sometimes sick) sense of humor. A few of my other friends jumped in on the conversation and it turned into a huge Facebook fiasco. I don't like drama and fighting so I chose to stay out of it for the most part. I commented on it a few times but I steered clear of the bickering. Later that day, a friend of the person who made the original complaint also threw in her 2 cents and took some really low personal blows to me which really stung. I nicely (or not) told her to fuck off and unfriended her (to be honest, never liked her much in the first place).
The people who were arguing on this post were mostly people whom I had known for many years, some even from child hood, and they were all people whom I knew in real life. I didn't like the fighting and name calling but I didn't have the time nor the want to step in and defend anyone from anyone else. They were all my friends, and frankly, I thought it was a bit ridiculous to have something get so out of hand over one meme that I posted.
Later that evening, a friend whom I've known since I was 4 years old commented on it and basically chewed my ass out because I didn't defend the original complainer to my other friends who were arguing with her. It was all a bunch of stupid ass Facebook drama that got out of hand. She basically made me feel like a piece of shit because I didn't defend this person who started the drama. I ended up telling her off a little bit and deleted the whole damned thread.
It was after this that my thoughts spiraled out of control. I went to bed but laid there for 2 hours beating myself up. I felt like a huge piece of shit because it was me who posted the damned picture in the most innocent of ways, and then chose not to get involved in the high school drama. I was calling myself every name in the book. I was the absolute worst person in the entire world. I didn't deserve any friends in my life and it's no wonder that no one can be bothered to take time for me when I'm such a huge steaming pile of horse shit. I had thoughts of driving my car in front of a semi. Yes, those things sometimes cross my mind but I honestly would never do anything like that to my kids. They are just thoughts when I am feeling worthless and not worthy of breathing fresh air. These supposed "friends" don't know how their words affected me and honestly they probably didn't care. This is one reason why I feel like I just want to live as a hermit some days and stay away from other humans.
Most days, I am fun to be around. I do have a crazy sense of humor that some people may not 'get' but when I am having an off day like the other night, I feel like a complete fucking nut case. Anxiety and depression really do go hand in hand. Anxiety can throw you into a huge bout of depression and vice versa. Unfortunately, the majority of people in my life don't know about my depression or my anxiety. It's not something I just go around explaining to everyone; only close friends and family know that I suffer from it.
People need to learn to just be nice to each other because you never know what someone else is going through and what is going on in their head. Mental illness is not like a physical disability that everyone can see. It's hidden deep in your mind and feels like a constant struggle that no one else can understand. Dealing with depression and anxiety feels like a constant warzone in the back of your mind The smallest things can set off a ticking time bomb. Meds can help but they can't rid your brain of it completely. It helps to have good friends with whom you can talk to whenever you need to. Unfortunately, not everyone has those types of friends (me included) so those emotions are just packed tightly into your brain with nowhere to go and you feel like the entire world is against you and only you. It's not a fun way to live.
How do you deal with your anxiety and depression? Please share some tips.