Sunday, January 29, 2017

Dating after Divorce: Pros and Cons


I saw a meme the other day that said, "My first marriage will be my only marriage". My response to it was that no one gets married temporarily. No one walks down the aisle and makes vows to another person temporarily. The plan is supposed to be til death do us part. These days, it seems to be that marriage is only "until I get bored" or "until someone new that I like better comes along". No one wants to put the work into it to get that happily ever after. Dating after divorce is a completely different experience than dating before marriage/divorce.

Very few people get divorced on good terms. There are those rare few who amicably agree on divorcing and can even manage to remain friends afterwards however those are far and few between. Most divorces are the result of a lot of hurt feelings, emotions, infidelities and untruths. When most people get married, they are giving their complete trust to the other person. Once that trust is broken it results in painful emotions, leaving deep scars on a person's heart and soul. These scars can cause issues in future relationships after the divorce is all done and over with. 

It's not just divorce that can cause some of these issues. Any long term relationship that ends can leave scars behind however, most people in their 30s have at least been married once in their life time. When you are forced to jump head first back in to the dating pool after divorce or a long term relationship, those scars can cause a lot of trust issues. If you were lied and/or cheated on, you will have a very difficult time being able to trust someone new, constantly thinking about what your ex did and wondering if your new love is doing the same thing. You may become extra paranoid about small things because there were probably things that you overlooked in your last relationship that you shouldn't have. You learned not to trust and you learned that someone can look you right in the face and lie to you.

You also learned a lot of tough life lessons during that difficult time of your life. You learned not to sweat the small stuff. You learned what  kinds of things are important in a relationship and what things are not. You have grown and matured and you love differently than you did before. Divorce changes you. It changes how you see the world, how you see the opposite sex, and how you treat new relationships.

The Negative Things about Dating Someone Who Has Been Divorced

A lot of people in the dating world try to stay away from anyone who has been divorced no matter what their age. Unfortunately, after any type of long term relationship there is most likely some baggage left from that relationship, whether it be drama or financial problems. This causes some people to view divorcees as being damaged goods. This can be true in some ways. For instance, if you had children with your ex spouse, you most likely have unneeded drama and since you have children together, you can't just forget about them or block them from your life for good. They are always going to be there whether you want them to be or not.

The Postive Things When Dating Someone Who Has Been Divorced

Although it may be true that divorced people are damaged in some way, shape or form, these damages have made most of us stronger and smarter. You are older and more mature now, you know what you want and what you don't want. You may be more picky when it comes to choosing a new mate but once you have chosen the right one, your past experiences have given you the skills that you need to nurture and grow the new relationship. Someone who has never been in a long term relationship most likely does not possess these same skills and is more likely to struggle in the relationship.

Unfortunately, divorce causes some long term damages along the way and some people may not have the ability to deal with the wounds that were caused in that relationship. They are so hungry for attention and love that they are willing to be with anyone who shows them a little bit of affection. They jump from relationship to relationship, from marriage to marriage without giving it a second thought. They feel that they need to have someone in their life in order to survive. These are the types of people you want to steer clear of. They haven't learned anything from past relationships and do not possess the knowledge and skills to nurture a loving relationship the proper way which will only cause chaos and destruction in the future.

Divorce changes everything. It changes a person completely. If you are like me, you may feel that you never want to get married again. This makes you more cautious before jumping into a new relationship. It can be scary to jump back into the dating scene after a divorce. Don't force yourself to do it until you are 100% ready, otherwise the relationships will not work.

After my divorce, I thought I had to have someone in my life, and I wound up dating a lot of losers and wasting a lot of time. I'm to the point now where I am quite happy being on my own, independent and drama free. It's going to take someone very special to change that but when that person comes around, they are going to have the best woman of their life! Deciding to date after a difficult divorce is a very scary thing to do, just remember to take your time and consider your options before jumping into something too quickly. The older we get, the more life experiences and knowledge we soak up. We can put that knowledge to good use and have some amazing future life experiences. 

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