Thursday, December 22, 2016

Why Do People Ghost In Relationships?

I recently wrote a post about What Is Ghosting? because I'm finding that there are still many people who don't know what the term "ghosting" means when it comes to any type of relationship. It is something that you need to prepare for if you are talking to people online or using online dating apps..

The next question is, why exactly do people choose to ghost? There are many theories out there but here are a few that I have come up with via my own online dating experiences.

First, let me tell you about my last ghosting experience. This was just a few months ago, by the way. We will call him Lee. I began talking to Lee about a year ago via We began chatting just as friends. He told me that he was recently single and not wanting to rush anything. We had a lot in common. He was from the same area that I grew up in and we knew some of the same people. I had an old friend who had nothing but good things to say about him which made me hopeful that he really was a good guy. We kept the chatting at a friend level. He was very handsome and was a tattoo artist (tattoos are one of my big turn ons). I could have easily developed a crush on him but was attempting to keep my feelings at bay because I couldn't quite gauge how he was feeling and I didn't want to push anything. He ghosted on me for a couple of months (which didn't bother me too much since we were just chatting as friends),  and then he just popped up out of the blue again. I was shocked at the time. He apologized for disappearing and explained that he was just being stupid and gave his ex another chance but it didn't work out for the second time and he just needed some time to get his head right. I was honest with him and told him that I had just assumed he wasn't interested so I didn't want to bother him that's why I didn't text him much once I didn't get a response. He then admitted that it wasn't anything like that, he was always interested in me but he just had too much going on and a lot of drama going on with his ex, and he just needed a break. This is when things got a little bit more serious. We began chatting every day. He was being extremely flirty and pushed for us to meet, which of course I was up for after chatting for so long. We both agreed that even if we ended up just being friends, it would be fine because we seemed to have so much in common. We met one Friday evening. Had a great night. He opened up to me about a lot of things, we talked, we flirted, we made out a little bit (it did not go any further than that, just f.y.i.). He was even more handsome in person and he was very much a gentleman. I do have to admit now though that some of the things he told me threw up some red flags but I was just going to see where things led to. During our date, I made the comment about showing him something (don't remember what it was) some time. Then I stopped myself and said, "Well, that's if we see each other again." Which he immediately responded with, "why would you say that? I think we will be hanging out a lot from now on", and he even went on to ask me what I was doing the next night (I had other plans). I had a good feeling when the night ended.

I did my best to give him some space and not text him immediately. We chatted here and there, and had made some plans to get together again. He disappeared for a few days but he showed up again, apologized and just said he had been working a lot and had a lot of drama bullshit going on, but he couldn't wait to see me again. I explained to him that I had been ghosted in the past and that I was very careful about who I opened up to until I know that they are going to stick around and not disappear on me. He came back with, "no need to worry, I am not going anywhere". The last thing he said was, "I will try to talk more tomorrow" because he had been working most of that day and wasn't able to talk much. The next day, we had a bunch of tornadoes touch down around here and I sent him a text telling him to please be safe. Haven't heard from him since. That hurt. I liked him, I thought we had a great first date and that if nothing else, I would at least have a great new friend to spend time with, but he just tossed me away as if nothing he said meant a damned thing.

Three Reasons People Ghost

  1. They're just not into you. Face it. Maybe after chatting with you for awhile, the other person has realized that your personalities just don't mesh well. Perhaps, he realized that you don't have as much in common as he originally thought or he just doesn't like your sense of humor or lack of. Many reasons may arise that someone chooses not to continue chatting with you. Unfortunately, when it comes to ghosting, you will never know because the other person is too chicken shit to respond to any of your texts.
  2. They found someone else that they liked better. When I am talking to someone that I really like, I typically put all of my attention on that one person, meaning that I don't bother chatting with other dating prospects once I am locked in on someone that I think has potential. Unfortunately, not everyone is like that. From what I've been told, most men have numerous females that they talk to at the same time. Most likely, they say the same things to every female, making them feel special and making them feel important. Once they decide which one has more to offer (this could be anything, btw, bigger boobs, willingness to put out quickly, sending nude photos or have more in common with), they drop all of the others like a hot potato. They won't respond to any calls or texts; they just fall off of the face of the earth like you meant absolutely nothing to them, ever.
  3. They were never really single. I have found that this happens a lot, especially on dating websites. Men (I use men because these are the experiences I have had personally but I've heard that women do the same things) who are either married or in a long term relationship and are unhappy find that utilizing online dating apps is an easy and safe way to chat and flirt with other women. Anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows that there are rough patches in a relationship where you may feel unhappy and fantasize about finding someone new to have a fun and new relationship with. They chat up a female, flirt, tell them how beautiful they are, some times they will use the excuse that they just got out of a relationship and are not looking to rush into anything or they just have too much going on for something serious. Once in awhile you will come across some who are honest and admit that they are not single or they are only looking for a hook up. They chat up a female and find out that they have a lot in common. This girl makes him smile and makes him feel good. They begin chatting more and more, maybe even talking on the phone. Then the chats become a little more serious with talks of meeting up and a possible relationship. The guy freaks out that things may be going too far, so instead of fessing up to his crime, he chooses to just disappear. If he just ignores you, eventually you will stop texting and calling him. They don't respect you enough to tell the truth (and obviously don't respect their other half to tell them what has been going on), so the easiest way out is to ignore you and act like you don't exist.
All of these reasons are the cowards way out. As an adult, if you choose to venture into using free online dating sights, honesty should be your priority. You are not talking to bots or a computer, you are talking to a real human being. You are talking to a person with feelings and emotions. One of the worst things you can do is lead them on and then disappear like none of it ever happened. Be a grown ass man or woman and tell the person why you don't want to continue talking to them any more. It may sting a little bit for them to hear it but at least they will have some closure instead of being left to wonder want went wrong or if something horrible happened to you. Don't be a pussy. Ghosting in a relationship, whether it be friendship or romantic, is the cowardly way out.

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