Wednesday, August 16, 2017

What It's Like To Be Married to A Narcissistic Sociopath

Earlier in the year, I began a series of stories called My Life With A Narcopath. I got some great responses in the beginning but things kind of fizzled out and I started to feel like no one was reading it and lost interest in writing about it. I’m actually thinking about turning all of the stories into one big e-book of some sorts with much more detail of course.

I was going to work on writing Part VIII today but decided to do something different. I’m going to talk about what it was like being married to a narcopath or a narcissistic sociopath.

We were married for 11 years. Over those 11 years, I noticed many things I didn’t like about my husband such as his constant lying and his arrogance. He also couldn’t keep a job for long and usually got himself fired within a few months of starting a new job.

We were married though, through the good and bad. My marriage vows meant something to me and marriage was supposed to be forever.

When things were good, they were really good. He was extremely loving, attentive, and affectionate. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on the planet and that he never even looked at anyone else but me.

When things were bad, they were really bad. He would blame me for all of our problems. He would blame me for things that HE was doing. When I would become suspicious of him with other females, I would get told that I was paranoid and insecure and that I just needed to chill the fuck out. He always had good excuses and good stories. These women were always just friends and I had nothing to worry about.

We had 3 beautiful children together and for the most part, he was a good dad Despite not being able to keep a job, he always made sure that the kids had what they needed, no matter what it took. He played with them and spent time with them, he went to parent teacher conferences and all of the school activities.

We separated twice. The same pattern of behaviors happened both times. He stopped being affectionate and loving towards me, he became very distant, cold, and callous towards me. It was like he morphed into a completely different person. After our separations, when he decided that he was ready to work on our marriage again, he was back to the love bombing stage to win me over again, and I always fell for it.

The last 2 years of our marriage was absolute Hell for me.I pretty much lived in my bedroom when I wasn’t at work. The only time he would speak to me was to yell at me. I would feel sick to my stomach every day when it was time for me to go home from work. I stayed in my bedroom; it was my safe space. Our kids stayed in there with me most of the time, saying things like, “I don’t know why daddy is so mean to you now”.

He was constantly texting on his phone, ignoring me, ignoring the kids. The kids would ask him to help them with their homework or to play and he would just push them away because he was to busy on his phone. He didn’t do shit at home except make a mess. He would come home from work, go straight to the couch, and stay there until he fell asleep there. His phone would go off at all hours of the night.

I knew there was someone else but I was at the point in our marriage that I didn’t give a shit, I was tired of being a prisoner in my own home and living with a monster.

It finally came out that he was having an affair with someone I thought was a friend. Once confronted, I found out that this ‘woman’ (I use this term loosely here) was only pretending to be my friend so that I wouldn’t suspect anything. She was also married. Our family spent a lot of time with her family in the past.

Once he finally moved out and moved in with her, everything came out into the open. I saw him for the monster he really was.

Everything he ever told me was a lie. All of the stories he told me of experiences that happened in his life: lies. All made up in his head. He always had a story to tell and it was always bullshit.

Every time I suspected him of cheating, I was right all along! Every single time. He lied so well that I fell into his trap and convinced myself that he was being honest, even though I knew he was ful of shit way down deep inside.

He stole money from me and stopped paying bills. One job I had, my paychecks were direct deposited into our joint account. He told me he was paying bills with it, only for me to find out that he wasn’t paying shit. My car almost got repossessed because of him. He stole our $9,000 tax return. Told me he paid bills with it, didn’t pay shit...and I still don't know what he did with all of that money.

He lied to everyone about me. Told his family that I kicked him out. Told his friends and co-workers that I cheated on him throughout our entire marriage (never!) and that I took off with some guy I met online and left him and our kids (wtf?) so that he wouldn’t look like the cheating douchebag that he was.

There were other women. Ones that I didn’t even know about. One woman contacted me telling me that while he told me he was gone for work conferences, he was at her house. He told her he was separated and didn’t live with me. Funny thing is, even after he left me for the other woman, he was still contacting this one attempting to cheat on his new wife! There were multiple woman throughout our marriage and he still won't admit to it even to this day.

He was hitting on my friends. I found out that he was hitting on some of my friends attempting to talk them into hooking up with him, telling them that I knew about everything and there was nothing to worry about.

After he left, he attempted to make my life a living Hell because I wouldn’t give him what he wanted in the divorce. He attempted to get me in trouble for things that I didn’t do. He blamed me for everything wrong in our marriage. He threatened that he was going to get sole custody of our kids. He would tell me that if I didn’t do this or do that, I would be in big trouble with the courts. Any time he didn’t get his way, he would threaten me.

At first, he had the kids when he was supposed to but slowly the time with the kids got smaller and smaller. He would make excuses not to get them when he was supposed to or to bring them back early. He spent less and less time with them, and when the kids were at his house, they were treated like second class citizens. He would stay in the bedroom with her and not spend any time with the kids. If her kids were there, my kids were treated like shit. My kids were treated like annoyances and told to just go outside and leave them alone. He got them nothing for birthdays or Christmas's and stopped going to their school programs.

They got married a couple of months after our divorce was final. They got evicted from 2 houses for not being able to pay rent. Our kids got to the point where they didn’t even want to go to his house any more. Eventually, he moved out of state. It’s been almost 2 years since he moved out of state. I had to block him from my phone about 4 months ago because the only time he would contact me would be to threaten me and harass me. My anxiety went through the roof every time his number popped up on my phone. He would threaten me that if he didn’t get his way or get what he wanted he was going to take me to court and either have me thrown in jail or get custody of the kids from me. I finally had enough and realized that I needed to just block him so that he couldn’t harass me any longer. He knew my triggers, he knew exactly what to say to upset me. He wanted to get a rise out of me. That’s what narcissistic sociopaths do. They enjoy having that control.

He hasn’t seen our kids in over a year now, and our kids don’t want anything to do with him anymore. Of course he blames me for this, saying that I am brainwashing them. Since I blocked him from my phone, he resorted to telling our daughter that if they didn't start talking to him more he was going to take me back to court and they would be living with him! He got her so upset that she now refuses to talk to him.

I can’t explain what it feels like to realize that the person you were married to for so long, and once had complete trust in, was just a monster in disguise. To find out that our entire marriage was one big lie. I was just another pawn in his game. He lies and manipulates everyone, including his own family and children. He lies to get people to like him and to trust him. He’s a monster in disguise and he never loved me, ever. He doesn’t know how to love anyone but himself. His sole purpose in life is to use people for his own selfish needs and wants. He has no soul and there is a special place in Hell for people like him.

It wasn’t until after I filed for divorce that I was told by my lawyer that the things he had done to me were considered domestic violence. I remember hearing those words for the first time. I was in shock. I never thought of myself as being abused because he never physically hurt me but after doing some research I realized that everything he was doing was abusive.

Someone mentioned sociopath to me so I began doing research. I quickly realized that I was married to a narcopath. Every single characteristic of a narcissistic sociopath was him. It was terrifying.

I am now chalking it up as being one of life’s very hard lessons. Attempting to co-parent with a narcopath is impossible. If he can’t try to manipulate and control me to get his way he turns to manipulating the kids. Luckily they are old enough now to realize the kind of person he really is. He will never accept responsibility for the damage he has caused to me or our kids. He never takes responsibility for anything he does wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. I spent way too long attempting to talk some sense into him and get him to see what he was doing as wrong but it was like talking to a brick wall. There is no “talking” to people like this. They are far too gone. I actually think that they believe their own lies and they believe that everything wrong in their life is because of someone else. Their reality is so skewed that they don’t know the difference. They are toxic human beings and don’t care who they hurt along the way, including their own children, as long as they get what they want.

Tweet: True Story: Married to A Narcissistic Sociopath #domesticviolence #narcissism #sociopath @tatteredsoul77

Being in a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath can be terrifying and emotionally damaging. The toxicity of the narcopath can make you lose confidence in yourself and make you feel like you have lost your own identity and self worth. If you suspect you are in a relationship with a narcopath get out NOW. I wish I would have ended this marriage years earlier and saved so much heartache. If I only knew then what I know now. I have learned to always follow my gut instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, then it most likely isn’t. I was one of the lucky ones because my ex husband never put his hands on my physically but most narcopaths do resort to physical abuse. The sooner you get out, the less damage will be done. Remove yourself from that toxic person and find your own value and worth.

Friday, August 11, 2017

The Best Dating Tips for Introverts

Suffering from social anxiety or being an introvert can cause a multitude of obstacles when dating online. If we are too scared to interact with others face to face, how are we supposed to get to know someone enough to actually date them?  Dating as an introvert can sometimes feel impossible.

An introvert is typically an introvert because they don’t like to or are scared to talk to new people. The fear of putting yourself out there for someone to judge or possibly bully; the chance of being let down once again is what stops us from getting out there and meeting new people.

Dating is difficult as it is but add anxiety into the mix and it’s even tougher. We don’t want to be alone forever but we are too scared to put ourselves out there to interact with new people. This can be a huge hindrance when it comes to meeting face to face with someone from an online dating app for a first date.

How can we build a new relationship without putting ourselves out there? We can’t.

Tips For Overcoming Social Anxiety While Dating

  • Start telling yourself positive affirmations every day. Make a list of the things that you like about yourself or that you want to believe about yourself and repeat them to yourself every day and every night. Things such as: I am beautiful, I am kind, I am funny… etc.. It may sound crazy but these really work!
  • Push yourself. The only thing stopping us from getting out there is ourselves. It’s going to be a battle but if you truly want to get out there and date, you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and go for it without thinking about the “what ifs” or what could happen.
  • Psyche yourself up. Be your own coach or find a family or friend to be your coach. Tell yourself that you can do it, you are a strong, and that nothing is going to stop you. Remind yourself that you will never get what you want without taking the first steps.
  • Fight off the negative thoughts. These negative thoughts are always going to pop into your head. The key is to NOT listen to them! As soon as you start to hear them, tell yourself, “NO, I’m not listening!” push these thoughts to the back and put your attention onto something else. You are in control of these thoughts, they are not in control of you.

Once you push yourself to do it, you have to keep going! If you make it through the awkward first few minutes of the initial face to face meeting, then the worst is over.  Now you need to push yourself to keep up the conversation. Don’t make the other person uncomfortable by sitting there like a lump on a log making them do all of the talking. The only way they are going to get to know the true you is by you letting your personality out of its shell. Give them a good reason to ask for a second date!

Think about this: Do you want to live as a hermit for the rest of your life? I know that I sure as Hell don’t! I also know that if I keep myself locked up in my little bubble, a hermit is exactly what I’m going to become. Alone and lonely. The only way to change that is to push myself to do things out of my comfort zone. Communication and socialization is a part of life. It’s how bonds and relationships are formed.

Stop sitting back watching the world go by. There is a humongous world out there, be a part of it! Stop letting fear hold you back and let everyone know the real you and the wonderful things that you have to offer.

Push yourself. You can stop being an introvert if you decide that it is something you really want. Dating as an introvert is hard and the only thing that is going to help the process is by you letting your guard down and being willing to let new people into your little bubble, eventually. Try these dating tips for introverts and let me know if they helped you!

Tweet: The Best Dating Tips for Introverts: @tatteredsoul77

Monday, July 31, 2017

How To Catch An Online Catfish on Dating Apps

I’m sure most of us have viewed at least one episode of Catfish, watching Nev and Max do some extensive investigating to find out whether the person on the other end of the conversation is real or not. Most times, that person is not who they say they are online; they are a catfish. Pretending to be someone that they are not. Being a catfish is pretty easy to do and if you peruse a lot of dating sites, I’m sure you have come across some whether you knew it or not. I have come up with a few easy ways to spot and investigate an online catfish.

My catfish radar is pretty good. I can usually spot a fake profile immediately or at least within a few messages. The thing with online dating is that you constantly need to have your guard up and don’t take anything at face value.

Signs of an Online Catfish

  • Profile pic looks too perfect. Maybe this person looks like a model. Let’s be honest, someone who is muscle bound and extremely good looking is most likely not going to be on a dating app. (same goes for hot chicks with big ol boobies and a perfect figure).
  • Their age doesn’t match their pics. Ok, I’ve been told that I don’t look my age many times but if someone says they are 40 and their pic looks like they are 25, those are huge red flags that you need to watch for.
  • They only have 1 or 2 photos. When you ask for more, they have an excuse not to send them.
  • Their photos don’t add up. For instance, in the example below, the catfish told me that he had 15 tattoos. But the photos only show a couple.
  • They seem very clingy right away. They want you to feel that they are very into you so that you will believe what they are telling you and fall for their fake persona.

Example of a Catfish

He had me going for a little while. His photos were the first thing that threw up red flags which caused me to question things. I asked about the tattoos, and he said that the photos were a few years old so that’s why he didn’t have as many tattoos. I asked him for a new photo and his new photo only showed one more tattoo.

How to Investigate a Catfish

  • Save one or two of their photos to your computer (it’s easier to do on a laptop or desktop than from your phone)
  • Go to
  • Click on “images” in the top right corner

  • Drag one of the photos into the search bar
  • Any matches will be shown

Voila! This a photo of a model named Michael Hoffman. I quickly confronted this catfish, asking why he was using a model’s photos and he suddenly stopped talking to me. Hmm, wonder why that was?
Image searches are typically the quickest way to find out if you are being catfished.

If an image search doesn’t bring anything up, you may be able to find this person on Facebook with bare minimum information. It may be difficult but it is possible. You can do a Facebook search of, for example, “Derrick Muncie Indiana”. You may get a hundred profiles of people named derrick in Muncie but you can quickly scan through the profiles and see if any of the photos look even remotely like the photo you have been given.

If you are still just not quite sure that someone is a catfish, dig for information. Ask them questions. Ask them about the town that they live in (especially if it is local and you know information about the town), ask them about their work, their family, ask anything you can think of.

Always trust your gut.

Tweet: How To Catch An Online #Catfish @tatteredsoul77
Your gut is typically right. If something seems off or just doesn’t make sense, there is probably a reason for that. If it doesn’t feel right, stop the conversation early before you waste any more time and effort chatting with a fake persona.

I will never understand why people catfish. Eventually the truth is going to come out. If you suspect someone is a catfish, don’t wait for nev and max to do the work for you. Know the red flags to look for and do your research if you need to.