Thursday, April 20, 2017

My Story: Life with a Narcopath Part V

START FROM THE VERY BEGINNING IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY (this is part of a series) --------------------

Everything after that night was just a big whirlwind of emotions; lots of tears and arguments. We had days where he would be nice and talk to me, then other days he would be a complete asshole to me. I never knew what I was going to get from him. Remember the girl that I found a message from that he swore he had no idea who she was? It came to light that he actually did know who she was. He told me that she was just a friend and nothing more. Deep down I knew it wasn’t the truth but I wanted to believe him. We will call her Marie for now. Marie happened to live in the same small town that his friends he moved in with lived in, and where he was getting his own place. Coincidence? I will never know the real story.

Robert placed all the blame on me for our destroyed marriage. I have suffered from depression for many years, I know this. It made me very moody. According to Robert, I was too moody. I was too jealous. I was too paranoid about females that he spoke to. He once told me that when we were together, his friends would invite him to go out for a beer after work but he would never go because he knew I would get angry and jealous. I had no idea where this came from. I had never told him that he couldn’t go out with his friends. Never. I didn’t understand but I just knew it was somehow all my fault and that my depression and mood swings were the reason for our separation.. Or that’s what he wanted me to believe.

I got myself into counseling and was put on anti-depressants. The anti-depressants helped a lot but the counseling seemed pretty pointless. I wanted help to learn how to control my depression and my moods but the counselor did none of that. That’s neither here nor there.. But I did what I thought was the right thing to do at that time. I wanted to fix myself since I couldn’t fix my marriage.

At one point during our separation, Robert was supposed to get our kids for the week when I got a voicemail from him crying saying that his best friend Ron had died. They had been friends for many years and apparently Ron’s body was found in the local river. I was shocked and felt incredible hurt for Robert because I couldn’t imagine the pain he was feeling at that time. I went online and attempted to find some information on Ron’s death but I found nothing, which I thought was odd. A body found in a river would make some local headlines at least, right? I then contacted a friend of mine who was also friends with Ron and told him the news. He was pretty devastated also. A few hours later, that same friend told me that I was wrong. Ron wasn’t dead, he was alive an well.

What. The. Hell?

Robert and I were not really on good speaking terms at that time so I didn’t bring up the subject to him. I waited to see how it played out, and he never mentioned it again. This was a long time, so I don’t remember every detail but I think I eventually asked Robert about it and he said that they thought it was Ron’s body but it ended up being someone else. The red flags were flying.

It had been 9 long months since we first separated and I got to the point where I was ok with the situation. I had begun working from home and making my own money and things were looking up. Robert ended up losing his job (again) and being evicted from his place, and had to move in with his mother about an hour away from where I was. He got a different job and was working on getting another house to move into.

On New Year’s Eve I was a little depressed because I was stuck at home thinking about everyone else out having fun, and wondering if Robert was out partying and drinking and who he was with. Not long before midnight, he called and asked what I was doing. He asked if he could come over to talk. Of course I obliged. He arrived and then proceeded to tell me that he was ready to work things out with me and that he wanted his family back.

I was over the moon happy about this. I knew he couldn’t stay gone forever and I knew that he still loved me deep down. Things are going to work out, I knew they would.

It wasn’t too long after this that I got an email from Marie. It said something along the lines of, “I just wanted to let you know that Robert has been staying with me and when he had your kids, they were at my house. I have pics to prove it. I just thought you would want to know because I know I would want to know”.

I copied the email straight to Robert and I told him that if he had anything, ANYTHING to tell me, he had better do it now because if she sent me proof, I was going to be beyond pissed.

No, no, no, it’s nothing like that. They were just friends and that’s it. I gave him multiple chances to come clean after I emailed her back telling her to send the pics, and he was very adamant that he had nothing to hide and they were just friends.

Then I got the pics. I can still see them in my mind after all these years. Once photo was of his car sitting at her house, one was of him laying on a bed with a big shit eating grin on his face (clothed, btw) and one was a webcam photo of them kissing.

There it was, I had the truth. Once I showed him the proof he told me that she had a crush on him and that he was thinking about dating her but then changed his mind and decided that he wanted to work things out with me instead, and she was pissed about it. I was upset by all of this but I felt like I couldn’t completely hold it against him because we were not together so it couldn’t be considered cheating.

A few weeks after that, one Sunday, my phone rang every hour on the hour from a hidden number all day long. I would answer and I could hear someone on the other line but they wouldn’t say anything. Something told me in the back of my head that it was her doing it. That night when I went to bed, I turned my phone off so that the calls wouldn’t wake me up. When I woke up in the morning, there was a voicemail that said, “he’s not yours, he’s mine”.  I played the voicemail for him asking if it was her and he just kind of blew it off saying that he had no idea who it was.

Some time after that I caught him trying to talk to other females online, sending messages to them asking if they wanted to have a sex slave. Whenever I confronted him about these messages he always had an excuse for it. It was just for fun. He never met anyone in person. Someone was breaking into his account trying to set him up and I shouldn’t be mad about something so trivial. He would even break out the tears in an attempt to gain my sympathy. We spent hours fighting over things like this but I never had solid proof that he was physically cheating with someone else Whenever I would call him out on these things, his favorite line would be “believe what you want” when he knew that I wasn’t buying his bullshit excuses.
Narcissists Exposed - 75 Things Narcissists Don't Want You to Know

Deep down inside I knew he was full of shit but this was the man I loved and the man who made me so happy in the past. Was it serious enough that it was worth throwing away our family and our marriage for? I wanted to believe that he wouldn’t really cheat on me and that he still loves me. At one time, I had complete trust in him. I felt that he loved me so much that he would never even think about cheating or being with someone else and that he would never do anything to hurt me. That trust was gone.

We decided to take things slow and not jump right back into moving in with each other. Once he got his own place again, we decided that the kids and I would come stay with him every other weekend when he wasn’t working, spend time together and ease into things.

He was back into the love bombing stage after this. I was his queen once again, his sexy mama. The kids were happy that we were getting along again and trying to work things out despite them being so young.

I remember one day being at his house and the house phone rang. He looked at the caller i.d. But wouldn’t answer it. I was on edge for the rest of the night wondering what he was hiding. I remember sitting with him just staring blankly in thought, thinking to myself, what if everything he says is a lie? What if he has been lying right to my face and I was naive enough to believe it? What if our whole marriage has been one big lie? .. but eventually I snapped out of it and told myself that I was just being paranoid and driving myself crazy.

Eventually, the kids and I moved in with him and things were great once again. We were where we were before all of this mess happened. We stayed up late at night talking, we spent time together, we laughed together again.

I was still working from home and Robert started a job working for a construction company in his hometown. It just happened that one of my guy friends also worked there. We will call him Kenny. I had known Kenny prior to meeting Robert and Kenny was one of my friends who stood up for Robert at our wedding when he had no friends or family to stand by his side. Kenny and I were very close friends and he has always been very protective of me. Kenny had told me prior to them working together, that he had some other friends that worked with Robert in the past and said that Robert was very lazy at work and he just stood around while everyone else worked. They began working together and the more they worked together, the more Kenny didn’t like Robert. He didn’t like how cocky and arrogant Robert was and how he always thought he knew everything but Kenny loved me so he supported me and my decision to stay with Robert through the thick and thin.

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Friday, April 14, 2017

Men Sending Dick Pics

Ok, single ladies. We all have a story to tell about dating no matter what our age is. I think that one thing we all have in common in this day and age when it comes to dating is that we have received too many dick pics! Who here agrees?  Have you ever wondered why men love to send pics of their penis to every female they chat up online? I’ve often wondered that myself.

I still don’t have a clear answer as to why men send dick pics. I think many of them get off on showing it to a woman. Come on, guys. Would you walk up to a random woman and just whip it out and be like, “tada, here’s my cock!”. Probably not, unless you have some mental issues that will put you behind bars for indecent exposure.

Here’s a public service announcement. Most women do not want to see your teeny peeny! Your tube steak is not so extremely special and unique that women are going to take one look at it and invite you over to show it to us up close and personal. No. That’s not how it works. That’s not how ANY of this works!!
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I’m far from a prude but I have seen so many dongs in my life time that I don’t even look at your pic most times. Stop sending them!! A REAL woman wants a guy to sweep her off of her feet, make her laugh and make her feel special, not just treated like a sex object. I need someone who can keep me interested. Your Richard is not going to keep me interested.In fact, if you send me a pic of your genitals, I will most likely stop talking to you all together.

When you send a woman a photo of your meat puppet, it shows her that you do not care about having a conversation and/or attempting to get to know her, you only care about yourself and your dirty wants and needs. This proves to us that you are a selfish prick of a man-child who only thinks with his pecker instead of the brain in his skull. It’s a turn off, and you look like a complete douche canoe when you do it.

An actual profile pic from an OKCupid profile.

You would think that the older men get, they would mature and realize that they should NOT send photos of their love steak to a possible love interest… but sadly, no, they don’t mature with age. Listen up guys, girls do not like seeing your skin flute no matter the size or shape of it, hard or limp, in fact, we probably either gag a little bit looking at it or laugh. Do you really want to know which reaction your pork sword gets??

Unless we are complete prudes who have lived in a cave, we have all seen one. They are not pretty or cute, so stop sending them!! If you are serious about finding a good solid relationship, you need to keep it in your pants and save that shit for later when the time is right.

Maybe some of you men out there can shed some light on this subject. Why do so many men enjoy sending photos of their hot dog to unsuspecting women? Is it really that much of a turn on? What do they think that women think of it?? Do they think we enjoy seeing it? Fess up boys, I'm waiting...


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Sunday, April 9, 2017

Lessons Learned In 40 Years Of Life

Today I turn 40. I don’t feel 40. Mentally I still feel young and vivacious but I do have my days where my body definitely feels like it is 40 years old. I remember turning 30 and how depressed I was on that day. Forty seemed so far away and that 10 years has just flown by. As I have approached the big 4-0 I’ve reflected on a lot of things that have happened and how much I have changed over the years. I am definitely not the person that I used to. You learn a whole lot in 40 years, even when you are twenty-something and think you know it all and are ready to take over the world, you get older and realize how naive you were. I’m sure many 20 year olds would tell me how full of shit I am right now but one day, they will learn that lesson, too. What happens when you turn 40? Well, nothing “happens”. You just turn a year older. You are half way to 80. You are double the age of a 20 year old and I’m sure they think God, 40 is so old!

A lot has happened in my 40 years, well even just in the last 20 or so years since becoming an adult. Things I never expected to happen. Things like:

  • I travelled a lot. I never left the country but I saw many of the 50 states and made some amazing friends that I still keep in touch with today
  • I have been to a shit ton of concerts and met a lot of bands (even my all time favorite band ever)
  • I was on the Jenny Jones talk show (yep) on national TV
  • I found love (or so I thought)
  • I became a mother (real quick).
  • For a few years, I was a DJ on a local radio show
  • I went back to school at the age of 32 and got my degree
  • I saw many family members leave this world
  • Even a few of my classmates (4 or 5 are gone, I think)
  • I have been through Hell and back
  • A brutal divorce
  • I became a single mother
  • I realized that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be
  • I think about death a lot and the fact that I am not going to be on this earth forever
  • I watch my mother grow older and slower, knowing that she probably only has a few more years with us (hopefully longer)

One of the most difficult lessons I had to learn in my life is that I can’t trust everyone. I used to be the type of girl who saw the best in everyone and trusted them until they showed me differently. I’m the opposite now. I trust no one until they have proven themselves worthy of my trust. I’ve learned that not everyone has a caring heart like I do and people will look you dead in the eyes and lie to you, take advantage of you, and hurt you without even thinking twice. People are horrible selfish beings.I am hoping that I am raising my children (tweens/teen) to be good human beings and have a heart like their mother. The world truly is an ugly place and seems to get uglier every day.

What does the next 10 years hold for me? Hell if I know?! I am hoping it holds many good things for me and I’m hoping that I get to stick around for a long time to see my kids grow up and become parents, and for me to become a grandparent. Many of my friends are already grandparents but I am not ready for that yet.

I now understand why the older really are wiser. They have life experience and experiences that life gives you is unlike anything else. You can’t buy it, you can’t duplicate it, you just have to live it. Some people are luckier than others and unfortunately the world is not a fair place.

Over time, I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. Little things don’t matter. You see the world differently than you did when you were 20. I can’t quite explain it. You just learn to relax a little bit and not flip out over unimportant things. Well, not EVERYONE learns this but most do. Maybe 40 is the new 30.. Or maybe life is all downhill from here once you turn 40? I guess I will just have to live and learn for myself. Welcome 40.




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